I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize