I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
