I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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