Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
