I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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