I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
