How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
