How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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