dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
