i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
