i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
