I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize