He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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