ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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