i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
