wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
