I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
