He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
