nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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