An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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