Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
her vagine was all disorganized.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
