She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
