bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
People in love make me want to vomit
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
