I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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