my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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