Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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