we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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