I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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