he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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