If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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