She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
my nose is crying tears of wow.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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