as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
