i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
