he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
my poor anus
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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