you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
