Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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