i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
