I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
