it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
