I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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