I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Your penis caused this!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
