Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
