Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
