i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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