Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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