apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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