I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
