If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
