What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
