He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
the room spins SO much faster in panama
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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