I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
