I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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