Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
