I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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