Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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