I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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