My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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