Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
