He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
PANTIES FOUND
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