You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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