He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
