It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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